Grammar and Other Things Learned Friday Night

1. A couple of titles below betray my Arkansas public school education. The titles should refer to places I have "awakened", not awoken.



2. Ocean's 12 is the best summer movie I've seen all year.



3. I should not drink on an empty stomach. Actually, I already know this, but had to be introduced to the concept once again. For the hundredth time.



4. Just because I have some popcorn at Ocean's 12 doesn't mean I don't have an empty stomach.



5. If I can't find my car after drinking on an empty stomach, it doesn't necessarily mean its been towed. It means I'm a dumbass.



6. Crazy Cat Lady has made it onto the "Drink and Dial" list. This means she gets to look forward to calls at all hours of the night and being asked questions such as "What are you wearing?" and "Do you have any beer?" The best thing is, once you make it on the list, you can never get off. I'm still calling Crazy Dog Lady and we broke up five years ago, she lives in Connecticut ans she's married.



Congratulations, sweetie!

Quality from Matchmaker

Received the following in response to my online personal ad on Matchmaker:

"Hello!!!

My name is Natalia, I from Russia. To me has very much liked Your

structure, if You not against I with the great pleasure would get

acquainted With you is closer. Such men as you like me, and I would

like to learn about you more. If you has interested my letter to you

write to me, I shall send you the photo, and to speak you about myself

more. Write to me on mine e-mail natashkalovely@rambler.ru Write to

me I with impatience I shall wait from you The

letter.

Bye."


I elected not to respond, but you are welcome to.

Update on "Awoken" Series

Less than four hours after that was posted, I heard from an old girlfriend that she's now officially bewildered as to how she could have ever dated me.



I win?

Stroke of Genius on My Part

If you would like a glothong (www.glothong.com) described below and enter the exciting world of modeling, consider the following proposal. If you meet the following three conditions, these twin dreams can come through for you.



1. Female



2. Nice caboose



3. Live in the DFW Metroplex



I will acquire a glothong for you (I will attempt to get a new one) if you will agree to "model" it for this site. Your ass will live forever! Plus, free glothong!



This offer will currently be limited to 5, so any help on your part to enhance your chances of selection will be to your benefit (current pictures of ass, offers of sexual favors, etc.). I anticipate being deluged with response, so get them in early!

Places I;ve Awoken After a Night With My Mistress

Alcohol (other than my bed or couch):



Beds, couches and floors of apartments and houses of various friends, acquiantenances, strangers, and bar pickups



My own living room floor (post law firm Christmas party - still had on shirt, tie and jacket, but no pants and only one shoe.)



Strip Club VIP Room



Movie Theater (twice)



Front steps of girlfriend's apartment building (college - I either forgot the entry code to the door or was too faced to correctly enter it. Instead of going home, did the next best thing, conk out on concrete steps in 55 degree weather)



Hotel room in Memphis (college - evening started in Oxford, MS. I don't know the circumstances under which a trip to Memphis seemed like a good idea)



Hotel room in Biloxi (college - evening started in New Orleans. At some point girlfriend and I decided we wanted to fuck on the beach. Things went awry on the way)



Beach in Biloxi



Greyhound bus en route to Mobile (college - practical joke executed poorly due to getting shithoused in a shot contest)



Front lawn



Chair in lobby of police station in Paris, France



The levee in New Orleans



Couch in the lobby of my dorm in New York (law school - have no earthly idea why I didn't make it the extra 30 feet to the elevators)



Park bench in Washington Square Park in New York (law school - again, two blocks from the dorm - don't know why I couldn't make it)



Cabs (twice)



Gazebo in Audubon Park in New Orleans (college)



Bathtub (post New Year's Eve party 1994)



Christ, I'm going to go organize my own intervention.

Another Amazing Discovery

www.glothong.com

I'm going to be up all night reading

Just discovered this:



http://www.shortandhappy.com/amber/about.htm

An Amazing Discovery

I ventured out of the house only once today. The mission had a dual purpose: restock the liquor cabinet and get something to eat. First stop, the liquor store run by the friendliest bunch of people I know. I don't know whether their friendliness stems from me being a good customer, culturally (they are Korean immigrants), or a combination of the two. In any event, I am always greeted quite warmly. In any event, I purchased a fifth (750 ml) of Bacardi Select (very nice "sipping" rum). Cost (including tax): $14.06

Next stop, Popeye's chicken. Hey, don't judge me. That stuff is good and sometimes you just get a taste for it. Anyway, cost of four piece extra spicy "meal" with mashed potatoes (including tax): $5.94

That's right, you've done the math correctly. When you become homeless, I will be able to survive on exactly $20 a day!!!

WOO HOO!!!

Metropolitan

The Metropolitan is a yuppie bar and grill in downtown Dallas. I used to go down there 3-5 days a week to escape my craptacular job. I've had a number of adventures there and know the owners and most of the people that work there. They seem to like me. Maybe I'm funny when I'm drinking. Or good tipper. Who knows. Woo Hoo.

Anyway, I've since gotten out of that shithole office, which has had the unintended side effect of cutting down on my trips to the old Metro. I went down there on Saturday night to say hi. They all acted like I had just gotten back from Iraq or something. Kept coming up and asking if I was feeling alright and if things were ok. Unsettling.

This site makes me smile

Not because of its content, but because I like to imagine the guy that put in all the effort to find these images and then post them.



http://www.yonkis.com/imagenes00/noticias.htm

Online Dating

Email received from someone on matchmaker.com:



"roger,

well I read your profile and seems to me you have your head on right butalso know how to have fun. I wouldn't mind getting to know you more. I havetwo questions for now..one: what's the story on your personality? two: whatare you really looking for in a relationship?



Trina"



Pondering "what's the story on [my] personality?" has the potential to send me into an existentional funk for a few days. Therefore, I won't trouble myself with it.



I need a woman that "wouldn't mind" getting to know me more!

Cokie Roberts Ruins Things

I had a date with a woman I'd been seeing tonight. I talked to her on chat earlier today and she said that she had gone to a speech by Steve and Cokie Roberts on "family" and it had caused her to re-think certain things. Apparently one of the things to be re-thought was having sex with me.


Like a James Bond super villain, I will bide my time until you feel my wrath, Cokie Roberts.

Duluth, Minnesota plus bonus Holiday Inn Review

I had to do quite a bit of travel on business  a few years ago.  After an assignment in Indiana, I got sent to Duluth, Minnesota for an assignment meant to be one day but turned into a week.  Here's an oldie but goldie  review I wrote back then:

Well, this is the third day of being trapped, er I mean "stay" in Duluth, Minnesota. As I have nothing better to do, I thought I would share my cultural observations of the denizens of the Far North.

This is a very white place - I was downtown the last two days and only saw a handful of black people and one Indian couple. That in of itself is not interesting. However, when compared to West Lafayette, Indiana, there are a couple of interesting differences. First of all, Indiana radio seemed to be dominated by country stations and conservative talk radio. Here, the radio is dominated by actual rock stations (not pop) and sports talk. I think this is positive. Don't get me wrong, this is a God forsaken Hellhole, but I'd rather drive around here with the radio on scan than Indiana.

Second, these people are serious sports fans. I was in a sports bar for game 6 of the Avalanche/Wild playoffs and these people were really freaking out. They also have a kind of fatalistic outlook on the prospects for their teams. The Twins got killed by the Yankees and the sportscaster's lead was hilarious: "The bad news is that Twins hitting got only one run against Yankees pitching. The worse news is that Twins pitching gave up 15 runs to Yankees hitting. The worst news is that the Twins are 0-13 against the Yankees over the past two seasons. The good news is that the Twins don't play the Yankees again until 2004!"

Third, I think they are boozers. I'm pretty sure that this town is smaller than Little Rock, but there is almost literally a bar on every block. I have not seen this many bars per capita outside of New Orleans. They have a Skywalk that connects a lot of the buildings downtown. Almost all of these buildings have bars in them. I checked into the downtown Holiday Inn, and they gave me drink coupons for, I'm not kidding, FIVE bars. Who is checking into this hotel???   If you ain't a member of AA before coming here, you will be when you leave!

Saw

This is an update of my first mini-review. I had just gotten back from what I was convinced at the time was the worst movie of all time. I was so excited I immediately emailed my fellow nerd the following:

"This is absolutely the worst movie I've ever paid money to see - and I've paid to see Jumpin' Jack Flash and Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion!

The first two acts are bad "Seven" rip off, which is fine, I was bored, but able to entertain myself by tolling up the shots ripped off from better movies. However, the third act is transcendant in how horrible it is. The only, and I mean only, skill the director displayed is that I figured out the killer in the first 30 seconds, then he had me thinking it was someone else for a while. In the end, my initial instincts were correct.

Go see this movie!!!!"

What a rave!

Since then, I have gone out of my way to see the rest of the Saw movies, drawn in by trying to figure out if I would have been able to get out of the traps and the increasingly Byzantine plots.  You have to give the writers some credit, being able to get six more movies out of series where the main character died in the second movie.  By the fifth one, I was completely lost, but kept at it.